Some weeks ago, I saw the headline of this CNA article (‘I want to be a good mum’: How this new mother overcame job loss and baby blues to emerge more confident, Struggling as a new mother: How one woman settled into her identity as a mum - CNA Lifestyle (channelnewsasia.com)) and went on to read it eagerly, in hopes that I could find some words in the article which could help me express and/ or illuminate the many-layered experience(s) of being a mother, and a new mother too.
I was surprised but also comforted that I was not alone in the complexities and seemingly contradictory feelings I had/ have been experiencing about motherhood. I have felt the strain of these new duties but also the deep satisfaction in how some of these duties gave me time with my baby. I feel sad that I am starting him on infantcare and leaving him in the care of others; I feel anxious that I may be missing out on key moments of his growth and I worry if the infantcare staff will be gentle and kind to him. Yet, I am also relieved that I have some time for me to do things for myself (having time to journal, to express and organise my thoughts here is one of them!).
My husband reminded me earlier that at some point, all parents will have to release their hold on their children. There will come a point where we cannot be with our child all the time. For us now, it is infantcare. Yet, I must remember that I release our baby not to others but to remember that I continually surrender and release him to God.
When we were expecting, God told my husband and I separately that He will be the One to care for and provide for our baby. Initially, our concern was about finances. But increasingly, I am realising that it is in each area of our baby's life that I must consciously submit baby to God's hands - finances, health, his development, our relationship as mother and child... There probably will be more.
As I walked away from infantcare this afternoon, I did not know what to do. Should I go home, or head to the nearby mall and get a nice, refreshing drink for myself as a break? The thought which came strongest was that I need to remember what God has told me to be - be a praying mother. The accompanying reminder was also that I need to continue to be rooted in Christ for that will be the inheritance I can offer to baby, the inheritance of our unfailing, loving God in whom I will place my trust in.
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